At the end of 2018 my business coach Kristen Kalp published this podcast where she talked about acknowledging everything that you’ve accomplished in the past year alongside everything you’ve made it through. She spoke about how we often see our achievements as isolated events, forgetting that the ups and downs of life were happening in the midst of it all. Wins are always worth celebrating, but they carry even more weight when you remind yourself of what else was going on in your life while you were working to reach them. Looking back on 2019, I want to talk about it all.

Professionally, my business brought in more than it ever has before, which is super exciting. It’s common for small businesses to go a few years without turning a profit and a lot of them close within the first 5. After 2 years of doing this gig part time and nearly 3 years of full time, it’s the best feeling being able to tell people that yes, photography is my career and yes, I make an actual living doing it. This is in huge part due to the contract work I’ve had with Sik Pics Photo and Video in 2019. Chris and Kirsten took me on as part of their business, sub-contracting shoots and editing projects that they wouldn’t have had time to manage on their own. Being part of a team and having colleagues to work alongside has been tremendously rewarding throughout the past year - especially during the dark months of winter when I previously would have spent multiple days a week in my basement working from bed. Having a workplace to go to each day helped me accomplish more professionally and personally. It turns out routines aren’t a freelancer’s worst nightmare after all.

Photographs produced for Sik Pics.

In addition, I had a business (and life) coach to keep accountable to. She kept me in line with setting and pursuing all sorts of goals, like how many clients I wanted to work with, personal projects to dive into, and even set me straight when I needed to get out of a relationship that was doing me no good. With KK’s help I got first runner up in a portrait contest, photographed a few of my favourite bands as they passed through town, captured some super fun events, joined a beautiful community of women who have enhanced my life greatly, worked with talented creators to showcase them and their work, documented breathtaking weddings, hung my prints in my first showcase, got my writing and film photographs featured on my favourite website (release date tba), and hosted my first ever photography workshop! A lot of these things scared me big time but I was reminded that the first step is often as simple as asking.

Personally, 2019 started on a pretty rocky note. I was still sorting out emotions and trauma from a recent break up as I jumped head-first into a brand new relationship. Turns out it could have used a little consideration first and had its share of ups and downs throughout. But it taught me to take a minute to listen to my gut, rather than hop into something just because the opportunity is there. This concept rang true in many areas of my life as I noticed the importance of slowing down before making decisions - in asking myself what I want and need and if this choice lines up with my values and long term goals before I see it through.

One of the best decisions I’ve made this year was trusting my intuition in inviting a man I’d only met once to hike the west coast trail with myself and a couple acquaintances. It didn’t take long for him to become a permanent fixture in my life and his presence has helped me grow in ways I never imagined. He’s helped me face both literal and figurative mountains and known when to hold my hand and what to let me tackle on my own. A couple of those actual mountains were Ha Ling Peak and Mt. Yamnuska - two summits I’d had my eyes on all year and was able to reach the tops of thanks to his guidance. He’ll be calling the mountains home in the new year while starting a job with Avalanche Canada in Revelstoke. Though I'm thrilled for him and very proud of the dream job he’s landed, I can’t deny that it has already brought up a few challenges to overcome.

Other adventures in 2019 included a trip to NYC, DC, and Philadelphia, my first fly-in canoe trip, a drive down to Cypress Hills with Tourism Saskatchewan, my first time co-leading a canoe trip full of youth, taking my sister and her now fiancé camping and hiking, thru-hiking the West Coast Trail, and visiting Newfoundland and Nova Scotia just because I wanted to. All of these trips took place between May and September and I somehow managed to keep up with work in between it all. I’d like to call it living the dream but we all know it’s not that simple. It was busy and it was stressful but it was worth it.

Speaking of stress, I recently I began to acknowledge my panic attacks for what they are and stopped casting off my anxiety as stress only brought on by outside factors. I’ve also stopped blaming it all on the hormones in birth control because turns out that’s not what was going on. Sometimes my brain doesn't know how to deal with what I’m experiencing and sometimes that turns into what I used to call a melt-down. They don’t happen too often, but after they did I would feel super guilty and completely embarrassed, believing that I should be in better control of my emotions. I’m learning that it’s not my fault, but that there are things I can do to help lessen them. My brain also likes to make-up stories and convince me of the worst-case scenario. It will place the responsibility of every social justice issue out there on my back as if one faulty step will bring in all crumbling down at my feet. It points out every time I inconvenience anyone and never ever lets me live down a mistake. I know I’ve got a ton of work ahead of me in this area, but I’m proud of myself for taking the first step of acknowledging that something’s not right, talking about it with those closest to me, and booking an appointment with a therapist to start addressing things.

Another difficult decision that I made this year was passing up an opportunity to spend a month trekking in Nepal. This would have been an amazing experience, and it pained me to say no. I’ve never been the type of person to turn down an adventure - just the month before I hiked the West Coast Trail on a whim - but with the commitments I had made and workload already on my plate, I knew it wasn’t going to pan out well. Working my way through the pile of editing I had was stressful on it’s own, and then I got a totalled car thrown into the mix of it all. Despite a month off in Nepal being just what I wanted, it would not have been what I actually needed. I needed to put my head down and get shit done, so that’s what I did. All while following along closely to my friends adventure of a lifetime and wishing I could be there with them.

I dealt with the car situation as well, which was contributed to far more anxiety than I anticipated. I bought my first “adult” vehicle - it can carry a canoe, won’t get stuck in 2-feet of snow, has bluetooth, a back up camera, and heated seats that actually work. It even cost more than all my camera gear and I still paid for it in cash, much to the surprise and dismay of every used car salesman I spoke to. It seems kind of silly to be proud of owning a nice car (read reliable SUV), but it’s something I’ve been saving for for a while and it feels good to see that turn into something. Plus it only ruins the environment a liiittle bit more than my old 2-door hatchback (there’s that social responsibility guilt creeping in again).

In my spiritual life, I’ve continued the long, slow process of deconstructing my christian faith and sorting out what I believe and stand for. It’s been an interesting journey and has helped me uncover a lot from my teenage and young adult years. I’ve managed to give myself grace as I go and have reaped the reward of feeling lighter and more free than ever before. It’s been a joy to understand that my worth is not contingent on who I follow or which truth I proclaim.

While I was at it, I picked up a couple new hobbies in 2019. Cross-country skiing was supposed to be my thing last winter, but with the weather we had I only made it out once on rentals. This winter I rounded up a used set of gear and am committed to putting them to work. I also started getting some use out of an old 35mm film camera that belonged to my grandfather. I’ve taken it with me as I travel to help me slow down and appreciate what I’m experiencing a bit more. It’s allowed me to disassociate taking photos from working my day job, which gives me the ability to have fun playing with a camera without any expectations. In the middle of all this I’ve continued with my rec basketball team too and moved from subbing on volleyball teams to actually having a spot on a couple. I also joined a fastball team this spring which was intimidating to get back into but became so much fun. I’ve always loved team sports and am really happy I’ve chosen to return to these as an adult. I’ve kept up my love for paddling as well and hiked more this year than ever before!

My most exciting new hobby as of late, however, has been indoor rock climbing! It’s been on my list to start for months and I’ve finally allocated the money and found the friends to do it with. I began in mid-October and have been at the gym once or twice a week since. I worked from flailing my way up 5.7’s (the typical beginner grade) to now being able to ascend 5.9’s with control and stability as well as confidently play around on the odd 5.10-. I’ve always hated working out in a gym but the climbing centre is totally different - I’m constantly looking for reasons to go back. Never in my life have I felt physically stronger than I do right now and that confidence has overflowed into other areas as well. I’ve heard stories of climbing being a surrogate for overcoming other obstacles and can feel it starting to ring true.

2019 was full of all sorts of things - this is just a snippet. I’m grateful for every bit of it including every person I’ve crossed paths with. I’m encouraged by the growth that has taken place in my life this year and am proud of everything I’ve gotten through and accomplished. Keep it rolling, 2020.